Pushing me away
by c.d.pentagram
Summary: A linkin park song that somehow matches the H/D thing (not hermione!) ...love and hate what a beautiful combination...


Disclaimer: The original characters belong to J.K.Rowling, but I make them behave that slashy. The italic lines are from Linkin Park's song 'Pushing me away'.  
Warnings: This is supposed to be slash, but you can interpret it otherwise, of course.  
Notes: It's called 'songfic', isn't it? I wouldn't call that fiction. Forgive me, but I just can't help relating lyrics to hp. And English still isn't my mother tongue.  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
  
Pushing me away  
  
I'd lied to you  
The same way that I always do  
  
I still loathe you. The fire in your eyes coloured like the storm raises this emotion in me. The way they look into my own deep green ones as if saying 'I know you'll never get away from me, not before you've drowned in our love.' Those eyes they mock me and I hate you for that, but you're so right. Every time you make me cry I want to give up  
and you know I can't hold to my word.  
  
This is the last smile  
That I'll fake for the sake of being with you  
  
After all you're still so cool and calculating. I want to be your love not your toy. You play with me and my emotions. I pretend to enjoy that. You wouldn't understand the truth.  
  
(Everything falls apart, even the people who  
never frown eventually break down)  
  
I'm a Gryffindor and should be brave. Not to the core. I don't dare leaving you - all alone with the enemy. You're devouring me till I can't think of anything than you needing me. But I mustn't be with you and I would feel their despising glances pierce right through me into my very soul, if they *knew*.  
  
The sacrifice of hiding in a lie  
  
The Sorting Hat wanted me to belong to Slytherin. It knew my fate. I should have taken it's offer. It would be less difficult to explain where I've been all the time. My soul is bleeding every time I have to lie to my best friend. I never told him about me and the arch-enemy...  
  
(Everything has to end, you'll soon find we're  
out of time left to watch it all unwind)  
  
I can't bear this forever. But somehow I have to.  
  
The sacrifice is never knowing  
Why I never walked away  
Why I played myself this way  
  
The devil smiles angelic. Your lips are so sweet against me. Your velvet-like skin tastes of innocence, refreshing like the snow to which colour it resembles so much. The silver of your hair, like silk when I run my fingers through it, your beauty won't let me go.  
  
Now I see your testing me pushes me away  
  
He want's me to beg him, pant for release in my desperation. Am I that strong, that enduring? Do I still love you when you're testing me the whole night?  
  
I've tried like you  
To do everything you wanted too  
  
I wanted to heal you, sweet oblivion covering the past and present. You're broken. I feel it when you're deep inside of me, when you're drowning in the ocean of my eyes. You never got to know real love. Lucius used you, the gift for his master - your fate was already sealed when you were born. But I want to drag you out of this, make you forget all these things even if it's just for the instant. I love you, my fallen one.  
  
This is the last time  
I'll take the blame for the sake of being with you  
  
I thought Snape's hatred of me couldn't actually increase, but I was wrong. I bet he knows about my secret and he's hating me for being with his precious student. The malicious flicker in his eyes when he's looking at me after I skipped his class again. But he doesn't give this secret away. To protect *you* from your father and us from Voldemort. He owes that to my father, he knows how dark wizards are like out of his own youth. But that doesn't prevent him from loathing me...  
  
(Everything falls apart, even the people who  
never frown eventually break down)  
  
I'm a Gryffindor and should be strong. Not to the core. I'm broken by you, by love and hate colliding.  
  
The sacrifice of hiding in a lie  
  
We can love each other no matter what they say. Oh, no. I just can't tell them, my friends, my fellow Gryffindors. Our love is wrong if this is love. This can't be love. I don' recognize me anymore. I don't want to be your property, to belong to you.  
  
(Everything has to end, you'll soon find we're  
out of time left to watch it all unwinds)  
  
But we're still together. We found us out of the pain, our souls will always be connected.  
  
The sacrifice is never knowing  
Why I never walked away  
Why I played myself this way  
  
All the times I hindered Ron to hurt you. He hates you even more than me. Without any protecting emotion, keeping him from killing you! I hold him back every time, don't want him to get into trouble - and you. I tell him you don't deserve his attention, tell him to ignore you. I'm convinced I can't keep him away from you any longer if I'd confess.  
  
Now I see your testing me pushes me away  
  
'What would they say if they knew about us. Come on, stand to your love.' I want to cry out, want them to know. I would be left all alone but finally free. I had to be solitary, I know what it feels like, just as you do. Can you stand to your love?! Can you bear them knowing - the pride to be a Slytherin and a Malfoy...your father, Voldemort knowing ?! The truth is a heavy burden, isn't it?  
  
(We're all out of time, this is how we find how  
it all unwinds)  
  
We're supposed to be together even if we'll break.  
  
The sacrifice of hiding in a lie  
  
I hoped I could change you. Kiss the smirk out of you and turn it into a tender smile. Make you cry from emotion and sweetness and run away from your dark fate. But you won't let me get to the core of your soul. You want to protect it by acting the arrogant brat. Ice has grown around your bleeding heart, but deep inside the victim wants to run away - with me. But you're still such a tease.  
  
(We're all out of time, this is how we find how  
it all unwinds)  
  
In the end we'll *be* together. Forever.  
  
The sacrifice is never knowing  
Why I never walked away  
Why I played myself this way  
  
And now I'll walk away returning to myself.  
  
Now I see your testing me pushes me away  
  
Right into that abyss never to come back.  
  
Pushes me away... 


End file.
